When school social workers are called into a meeting with a struggling student’s caregiver, they often hear the same frustrations: “They’re not following through.” “They’re making excuses.” “They seem defensive or checked out.”  It can be easy to make judgments about the parent or caregiver,  but it’s powerful to pause and seek understanding first. 

What if the caregiver isn’t being difficult—what if they’re dysregulated? 

At iCARE4 Adoptive And Foster Families, we work with caregivers navigating some of the most complex parenting journeys—raising children who come from grief, loss, and relational trauma. These children often live in a near-constant state of nervous system stress. And over time, that stress doesn’t just impact the child—it impacts the entire family system.

One parent recently told us:

“I’ve tried everything we know—from counseling to therapy, different consequences, ignoring behavior. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

This isn’t apathy—it’s exhaustion. And it’s a reality for many caregivers doing their best in high-stress situations with limited support.

We know your focus is on the students—that’s the heart of your role. But students don’t exist in isolation. They exist in families. And for children from adoptive, foster, and kinship homes, strengthening the family system is essential to supporting the child.

That’s why a connection-first, family-systems approach is so critical. Here are five ways school social workers can help:

• Lead with regulation and curiosity. Caregiver stress often mirrors the child’s. Assume dysregulation, not disregard—and ask what might be happening underneath the behavior.
• Prioritize connection over compliance. Trust and safety come before follow-through. When families feel seen, they’re more likely to stay engaged.
• Be flexible and supportive. Offer grace. Adjust expectations when needed. Focus on what’s doable—not what’s ideal.
• Bridge the gap between home and school. Help caregivers navigate systems, translate expectations into clear next steps, and feel like partners instead of outsiders. Educate them on trauma, the stress response and direct them to further resources.
• See the whole system—not just the student. When we support the family, we strengthen the child. Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. It happens in relationships.

As school social workers, you have the power to build that bridge. By partnering with families—not just managing them—you create the kind of trust that helps everyone show up at their best.

Let’s not just support the child. Let’s strengthen the system they belong to. That’s where lasting change begins.