Navigating Attachment and Trauma Through Every Stage of Development
Stress: It’s Not Just One Thing, It’s Seven
For families navigating adoption, foster care, and kinship, stress doesn’t always come from just one challenge—it can feel like managing seven at once. From the ambiguous loss of being separated from a birth parent to the complexities of developmental changes at each stage, the journey is uniquely layered. Even when children seem to be doing well, teenage years can bring struggles, and adoptees who never faced these issues as kids can sometimes find themselves reprocessing everything when they have biological children of their own or experience loss.
At the heart of it all are the seven core issues of adoption, which impact both children and their caregivers. These issues can significantly shape the emotional landscape of adopted children as they grow and develop:
- Rejection: Adopted children may struggle with feelings of shame and guilt, believing they were abandoned by their birth parents, leading to a sense of personal rejection.
- Shame: A deeply painful emotion, shame can make children feel inherently bad or unworthy of love and connection, impacting their self-esteem and relationships.
- Guilt: Children may feel responsible—either consciously or unconsciously—for their adoption, thinking they did something wrong that led to being given up, even if it was beyond their control.
- Grief: Loss is a significant issue for adoptive families, with children grieving not only the loss of their birth parents but also their home, belongings, and sometimes even siblings.
- Identity: Adopted children may struggle with feelings of unworthiness or a fragmented sense of self, often because their origin story feels broken or incomplete. This can hinder their sense of belonging and identity.
- Intimacy: Trust can be difficult to establish, as children may fear being vulnerable to love. This challenge in forming close, trusting relationships is a significant issue for many children in adoptive situations.
- Mastery/Control: Many decisions have been made for the child throughout their life, and the unpredictability of their early environments may have been overwhelming. As a result, they may feel a need to control situations to avoid uncertainty. This can manifest as being overly controlling or, conversely, avoiding decision-making altogether.
Understanding these issues and how they evolve at different developmental stages can make a world of difference in reducing stress and building stronger, more supportive environments.
Trauma is real, and it doesn’t have to be faced alone. That’s why having educators, caregivers, and mental health professionals who truly understand these core issues is crucial. It’s not just about managing stress—it’s about supporting every member of the family through the ups and downs of the journey. Let’s dive in!
Raising an Adoptive or Foster Child: Navigating Attachment and Trauma Through Every Stage of Development
Infancy (0-2 years)
During infancy, attachment is the key developmental milestone. Children are forming their earliest bonds with caregivers, and these early experiences shape how they view relationships and trust.
- Attachment issues: For children who’ve experienced neglect, abuse, or multiple foster placements, establishing secure attachment can be incredibly challenging. They may struggle to form bonds with caregivers, making it hard to develop trust and security. This can contribute to feelings of rejection as the child may feel abandoned or unworthy of love and care.
- Trauma impact: If an infant is exposed to stress or trauma (such as inconsistent caregiving or neglect), their ability to feel safe in their environment may be impaired, affecting their early social and emotional development. They may show heightened anxiety or disinterest in forming attachments, leading to a sense of shame or unworthiness.
Toddlerhood (2-4 years)
At this stage, children begin to explore their world and develop autonomy, but attachment issues can still play a critical role in their behavior.
- Attachment issues: Toddlers who haven’t established a secure bond might show fear of separation from their caregiver or excessive clinging. Their sense of self and exploration can be stunted if they don’t feel emotionally safe. The fear of being rejected or abandoned can be profound, leading to guilt or feelings of being at fault for their situation.
- Trauma impact: Trauma can manifest in difficulties with self-regulation. A toddler with a history of trauma may have heightened fears, trouble managing frustration, or difficulty transitioning between activities, as their brain is still trying to process experiences of instability. This can contribute to a lack of control over their emotions and behavior.
Preschool (4-6 years)
Preschool years are marked by further development of language, social skills, and increasing independence. However, attachment and trauma history can impact how children interact with the world.
- Attachment issues: Preschool-aged children who have not developed secure attachment bonds may struggle with understanding and expressing emotions appropriately. They may avoid close relationships or feel uncomfortable with affection, reflecting deeper issues of intimacy and trust.
- Trauma impact: Trauma during this period can hinder the development of empathy or difficulty in forming friendships. They may also show signs of emotional dysregulation, acting out or withdrawing socially. They may struggle to trust authority figures or adults, leading to grief over the losses they’ve faced and a fragmented identity that feels incomplete.
Elementary (6-12 years)
This stage is where children begin to develop a stronger sense of self and more complex social skills. They start to compare themselves with peers and build a foundation for self-worth.
- Attachment issues: Children with attachment disruptions may struggle with academic and social challenges. They might have difficulty forming lasting friendships, feel out of place in group settings, or misinterpret social cues. The sense of rejection from their peers can contribute to feelings of not fitting in.
- Trauma impact: Children who have experienced trauma might internalize feelings of being “different” or “not good enough,” leading to lower self-esteem. They may act out in response to perceived abandonment or rejection, or they may show extreme attachment to specific individuals, becoming overly dependent on them. This is closely tied to their identity, which can feel fractured as they try to find their place in the world.
Adolescence (12-18 years)
The teen years are a time of significant identity formation and emotional growth, but they can be especially challenging for adopted and foster children due to the added complexity of their past experiences.
- Attachment issues: Teens from foster or adoptive backgrounds often struggle with identity formation. The questions of “Who am I?” and “Where do I come from?” are complex for them, especially when their origin stories are tied to trauma. These children may face difficulties in forming relationships or trusting others, as they grapple with feelings of abandonment and loss of intimacy.
- Trauma impact: Trauma can deeply influence the teen’s emotional and social development. Issues like fear of abandonment, low self-worth, and difficulty in forming secure relationships can surface in adolescence. For children in transracial adoptions, additional challenges related to race, culture, and belonging can complicate identity formation. Adolescents may also struggle with feelings of being “different” from their peers, leading to isolation or social withdrawal. This directly ties into mastery/control, as they may try to control their environments to feel safe and secure.
Young Adulthood (18+ years)
As young adults step into independence, the emotional scars of early attachment disruptions and trauma can continue to impact their lives in major ways.
- Attachment issues: For young adults who haven’t fully resolved attachment issues, their relationships with romantic partners, friends, and employers may be marked by difficulty trusting others or establishing healthy boundaries. They may struggle with intimacy, unable to fully commit to relationships due to their early experiences of rejection and trauma.
- Trauma impact: The unresolved trauma from childhood may manifest in challenges such as difficulty in maintaining stable employment, navigating adult responsibilities, or forming long-term, healthy relationships. They might struggle to manage stress or experience feelings of emptiness or inadequacy, reflecting the ongoing impact of guilt and grief from their early experiences.
Turning Stress into Strength
The journey of adoption, foster care, and kinship placement can feel overwhelming, with seven layers of stress impacting both children and caregivers. From rejection to control struggles, the emotional challenges are deep. But here’s the truth: healing is possible.
With understanding and support, children can move from fear and confusion to safety, trust, and self-empowerment. By addressing the core issues they face, we can create environments where they thrive.
Together, we can transform stress into strength and trauma into triumph, helping children not only survive but thrive—empowered by their ability to grow, heal, and love.
